Are We There, Yet?

Knock, knock.

Who’s there!?

sigh…..

Hello? Who’s there??

garble, mumbly, grumblefrumm…..

What??

……….Inferiority complex…..

Inferiority complex who!?

sigh….. Nevermind.

I left the community college the other day around ten in the morning, after signing up and getting the skinny. They gave me papers with information about grants and tests and they all told me how proud they were of me, making the decision to go back to school. It was a very nice way of reminding me how much older I was than the general student body. As I turned onto the interstate a loud voice in my head said, “I’m hungry!” I remembered having breakfast just a few hours earlier and wondered how this could be. That’s when a very small, very kind voice said, “No, you’re not.” I agreed, “No…..I’m not.” The discussion continued, “If I’m not hungry, what is this feeling that I am experiencing, right now?” A second or two passed before the answer came through, “It’s inferiority.”

I’ve had this annoying little suspicion creeping around in my head for a week or so, now. I’m pretty into myself so I find it hard to believe that such a thing could be true, but it is. It’s obvious to everyone but me that I have struggled with intense feelings of inferiority for most of my life. I’ve always believed that I was smart, but not quite smart enough. Grade school was one thing, I could bluff my way through that one. But college? I always thought that the reason I blew it off, was because I had no interest in it, whatsoever. The truth is, I was scared. I was afraid that those people would bust me for the phony that I was, right away. If I went up there where they were smarter, prettier, and richer than I was, I’d stand out like a cheap suit. I’d be a joke. Looking at it, now, it seems ridiculous to me. That means that God has been dealing with a lot of those feelings and putting my worth into its proper perspective. Still, there’s a few boogers lurking about and it hurts every time one of them gets loose.

There’s been a lot of people talking about being frustrated in their spiritual walk because they feel like they’re supposed to be doing something but they don’t know what it is. My answer to that is, “Bullshit. Yes, you do.” There is a time for waiting upon the Lord. Cripes, Moses waited around until he was eighty years old. I wonder if he complained about being frustrated. Maybe he was happy and content until he was, say, seventy-five. God’s timing is always perfect, but maybe He knew it would take fifty plus years in the desert to wake His boy up. Maybe God knew that Moses had to waller around in his personal stuff for a good, long time before he was of any use. I don’t want to be like that. I’ve only had to waller for just under thirty. All I’m saying is, get it together and face your stuff so you can get rid of it and move on. Of course, God makes good use of our waller times, in spite of our fears and frustrations. He can even reap a bountiful harvest from our trips around the mountain. He did with mine. After all that good living in the desert, I’m ready for anything.

5 No one will be able to stand against you all the days of your life. As I was with Moses, so I will be with you; I will never leave you nor forsake you. 6 Be strong and courageous, because you will lead these people to inherit the land I swore to their ancestors to give them.   Joshua 1: 5,6

Like I said, God’s timing is always perfect. I’ve known all along that there was more to me than meets the eye. It was that loud, hungry voice that shouted it down all those years. That’s ok, He brought about a great deal of beauty during my sheep herding years. He turned my poverty into riches. Now I can be strong and courageous and take the land that was promised to me a long time ago. It’s my inheritance. It’s my birthright. Will I end up with a degree? I don’t know, but if I’m willing to take the first step I know He’ll lead me in the right direction.

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